OK, it’s time to come clean and lift the veil on a disgraceful past.

My friend Rangoon Jim cheerfully confesses that, in his foolish youth in the seventies, he was a gay porn star. We think he played the refrigerator repair man in the classic movie Get Stuck Into Work. We’re not sure. His memory is unreliable. In fact non-existent. The evidence, however is irrefutable because we have the photograph. That luscious hair. That dodgy moustache which would make Engelbert Humperdink’s look tasteful. We can’t think of a more plausible explanation.

I used to be a serial killer. Again the memory is unreliable, but photos don’t lie. I stare at my wedding snaps, and Fred West stares back. Chilling or what?

I’ve often remarked (yes, that means that I repeat myself) that in our youth we all take part in a costume drama, and yet we never know it. It’s just clothes we wear and stuff we do.

In the 1950s I think I modelled for one of the kids in the Beano comic. I forget which one.

Nowadays I look like Yul Brynner. But I don’t think I am.

He’s dead.

I probably would have noticed.